Post 2AM Texts — A 12 month piece

Water sparkles through the haze of nearby flames and my eyes blink fast as to not tear through the smoke…or my sadness? The present is the happiest I’ve ever been, but I’m leaving it all behind. Why am I about to give up something that some people throw their life out, trying to achieve?

“ I guess shit happens and life sucks like that.”

Happiness is in our control, they say. And to a certain extent, I agree that I should be in control. But what happens when you meet that one person who gives you the fulfillment you were looking for all along? I’ve grown up thinking it’s looked down upon to leave your ambitions and career behind for trivial matters like young love but what’s the point of hard-earned success if you’re still alone at the end?

The transition from practicality to following your heart is a volatile one. It’s true that when your highs get higher, your lows feel lower. The dichotomy between the two causes conflict, and choosing one extreme over the other results in looming cloud of guilt hanging in the present or future. Those high moments come with a rush of endorphins and a strong desire to cling to the present and the the moments after bring a heaviness where the world around you seems to lose its relevance.

Everything above this paragraph was written more than ten months ago, almost dejectedly — close to accepting defeat that this human being would just remain a sporadic chat bubble. I never got around to publishing it because somewhere inside I felt like I was giving up on something on which I had invested so many of my emotions. Putting this out there would mean be the final straw. The end to this bittersweet story.

What I never considered was an almost identical set of feelings that resonated with mine. Running in parallel with mine, more than a thousand miles away. A few swigs of cheap beer and a big move to the Northeast led me to swallow the lump in my throat and begin what would be the fruit of feelings that had vested for more than a year and a beautiful journey in which the highs just keep getting higher.